John Nicholson takes us through some of the most bizarre mascots in Premier League history, with Arsenal loyalist Gunnersaurus quite inevitably featuring.
Alice and Pete the Eagle
Crystal Palace’s duo. Presumably for the men’s and women’s teams. I still think the club is more accurately nicknamed the Glaziers and am having none of this Eagles business. When you think of Palace, you don’t think of a raptor do you?
They’re a standard beaky bird suit creation that look inspired by Alan Forbes’ Black Crowes work. Pete wears sunglasses but Alice doesn’t. Male cool, female not cool. Though unusual being a pair, here with a sexist dimension with ‘Alice’ having long eyelashes, just in case you were not sure which gender the mascots were supposed to represent.
Baggy Bird
Two words which don’t go together. You can’t have a baggy bird. Aren’t West Brom called the Throstles, whatever a throstle is. Is this one? This creation is technically a bird with outsized wings. Well actually technically it’s someone in shorts and unpleasant slightly baggy leggings which sag at the knee. There seems to be a brown beaver tail involved for extra mutant points, though.
Captain Blade
One of the more fully realised mascots. Sheffield United’s creation appears to be a representation of a pirate, with eyepatch and foam cutlasses. The nose is bulbous and penile but the Captain, who appears to suffer from big swollen feet, and who I wager has been to ‘f*ck off son, before I chin you’ by Chris Wilder, has football shorts on. No self-respecting pirate wears shorts, though maybe they do in South Yorkshire.
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Bertie Bee
If your ambitions in showbiz have come to nought, then the gig as Bertie at Burnley is presumably available regularly. Quite what a bee is to do with Burnley, the Clarets, other than be a word beginning with B remains obscure. Burnley honey sounds unpleasant and possibly obscene. The mascot lacks ambition, just being someone in the kit which clashes with the yellow and black stripes. You do get to wear a big head but the black gloves are a weak effort.
Billy the Badger
What do you think when you think of Fulham? I bet it’s not a badger. Literally nothing says Fulham like a badger. Though in truth Fulham’s badger looks more like a panda, being someone with a fake fur head on. No more effort has been made to give Billy any more badger authenticity except furry sleeves and black gloves, neither of which scream badgers, which are quite bristly.
Hammerhead
West Ham’s mascot may be the only one to have clearly delineated Y-Fronts as part of the mascot. There’s a lot of foam rubber involved here in creating a thing with a hammer head and strange foam forearms. Seems guaranteed to make children cry and run away screaming. I think it’s supposed to be a superhero which is not exactly symbolic of West Ham, especially under Moyes who probably modelled for the underpants.
Changy the Elephant
Given that Chang, the Everton sponsor, is a slang word for cocaine, it was probably not best to have an elephant as a mascot with a big trunky thing, ideal for snorting drugs. The enormous ears look like the result of a radiation incident, as does the out-sized head. And how this is relevant to the Toffees seems not to be thought of. But at least children are being inculcated into the Chang culture. As if Everton don’t have enough problems.
Cyril the Swan
Cyril is famous and has probably upstaged Swansea’s performances more than once with a range of aggressive manoeuvres. A splendid creation with a curving long neck and a slit for the thing inside to see. The wings and tail feathers look like they wouldn’t work but what really makes Cyril special is the feathery tufts bursting out the legs of his shorts. That’s attention to detail. Of course, no swan wears football socks, but we can overlook that.
Gunnersaurus Rex
The big star of the mascot world. Not only is it about seven feet tall but seems to have put on a lot of weight around its hips. With a dopey but friendly expression, in a very real sense Gunnersaurus is real, existing beyond the pitch, immortalised in a David Squires strip. An especially good performer during a minute’s silence, long neck respectfully bowed seemingly unaware that it’s a seven foot green nylon fur dinosaur.
Pottermiss Hippo
A bizarrely named thing. It’s supposed to be a hippo for some reason. Its connection to the Potters seems to end at the name. Physically as very robust as you would expect. For some reason it reminds me of Sean Dyche. All the work is in the head which has been crafted with staring eyes and a big mouth but apart from unpleasant sleeves and leggings, to hide the human in the suit – as if we didn’t know – there’s not much else.
Moonbeam and Moonchester
Have you seen these two? Gone are the cuddly bears and lions; these two are terrifying aliens, possibly inspired by the Gallagher brothers. Essentially just triangular heads with pointy ears, the female thing of course has long eyelashes just in case you wondered which alien you could have sex with in the missionary position. Manchester City must feel as if their supporters will respond to something otherworldly.
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